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A Wiffle Festivus Celebration


It’s the most wonderful time of the year folks: Festivus is back. (For those of you who never watched Seinfeld, Season 9, Episode 10, known as “The Strike” should clue you in). Our favorite holiday comes this year in wiffle form, let’s see what we’ve got for our Festivus celebration:

First, the decorations. Everyone knows that Festivus does not bother with fancy decorations, instead, we have the Festivus Pole. It needs a high strength-to-weight ratio, so I’m thinking one of Nate Bryan’s arms might do. Aluminum bats are a no-no, so maybe an original yellow is the way to go.

Second, the Festivus dinner. Arguably the most important part happens during dinner (we’ll get to that in a minute), but the dinner itself consists of some kind of meat. In Ohio, you can find multiple wiffle teams dining at the local Steak n’ Shake, so I’m thinking a double steakburger for all. If meat isn’t your style, well, that’s too bad. This holiday isn’t meant to please everyone.

But wait! During the dinner, we have the Airing of Grievances. It is by far my favorite part of Festivus. I have a list of my own, and feel free to make your own. It’s the only time of the year to do it!

  1. To the NWLA Tournament Committee: I see what’s going on here. OCWA is going to have to travel a large distance to a regional, aren’t we? Can we at least have one in DC?

  2. To Odell Beckham Jr.: Thanks for getting suspended, now my fantasy team is going to lose. Noob.

  3. To Kris Morse: You owe me a beer and I won’t let you forget it until you pay up.

  4. To New England Wiffle Ball: What’s the deal boys? There’s a plethora of talent here but no league wants to come to the NWLA. What gives?

  5. To Palisades: You’ve burned bridges with two levels of wiffle (NWLA and Golden Stick). How’s the island mentality going?

  6. To Huntington: Come back. We miss you.

  7. To WSEM: (insert middle finger emoji here)

Finally, we have the Feats of Strength. I guess since I’m the host here, I’m the one who

needs to be pinned in order for Festivus to be over. Remember the most important rule: FESTIVUS ISN’T OVER UNTIL THE HOST IS PINNED IN A WRESTLING MATCH. Good luck, boys. Have a fun five month Festivus.

P.S.: Remember to donate to The Human Fund: Money for People!


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